- Dear Journal, Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn, when I tried to make a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then at Cheerios practice, disaster. It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg. A quiver. That quiver will lose us Nationals. Without a championship, I'll lose my endorsements, and without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft.
- Shuester! Well played, sir. I underestimated you. Alright, here's what happens now. I'm gonna head on down to my condo in boca, brown up a bit, get myself into fighting shape - then I'm gonna return to this school even more hellbent on your destruction. Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Shuester; you are about to board the Sue Sylvester express. Destination: HORROR!
- I will no longer be carrying around photo ID. Know why? People should know who I am.
- You don't deserve the power of Madonna... simply put, you have all the sexuality of all those pandas down at the zoo, who refuse to mate.
- You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That was hard.
- I can't stand the sight of kids getting emotional, unless it's from physical exhaustion.
- I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.
- I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help but picture little birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and it disgusts me.
and a personal favorite:
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ReplyDeleteI am soo obsessed with her...
ReplyDeleteI just lost my train of thought because you have so much margarine in your hair.
I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go to college? I don't know. I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners.
You're dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them. It makes their bones grow strong.
All I want is just one day a year where I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties. Seriously, Ohio, these retinas need a day off.
I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I will steal away into your house and punch you in the face.